Hoppin Frog – B.O.R.I.S. The Crusher

Ah, hello there faithful readers. Another fine eve is upon us, and what better way to enjoy it than by reviewing a nice brew. Tonight’s episode stars: BORIS, The Crusher! I’m gonna have a hard time referring to this beer as a woman…ah who am I kidding, no I won’t. Though this beer has a name that would fit a wrestler perfectly, that won’t stop my womanly personification of beer. The name is actually a clever acronym for: Bodacious Oatmeal Russian Imperial Stout. Ah, one of my favorite styles. What’s even cooler, for me at least, is that it’s brewed in Akron, Ohio. I grew up in a little burg called Olmsted Township which wasn’t too far away from Akron. I’m happy to see my home state producing such fine beer! The bottle boldly claims it will crush me like no other…alright well I’m a former Marine, let’s see what she’s got! (See, already referring to her as a woman)

Mmmm… she certainly looks like she could crush somebody. It’s like a black hole formed in my glass and is now sucking all light deep into her bowels. And the head must trek through her darkest depths to catch the slightest glimpse of the world above. It succeeds, and grows with pride to an impressive size, basking in the freedom as long as it can before the beast sucks it back down to the netherworld. You can really tell the head wanted to escape, it clings to the sides desperately as it’s strangled back down to the briny deep, but nothing can escape… BORIS. I fear my nose may be sucked right into the glass, but it’s a risk I will bravely accept for the sake of my faithful readers!

Ohh mannnn this issssss ohh noo! Noo!!!! NOOOOO!!!!!

Ed. Note – Sadly, Brian has been sucked into BORIS for all eternity. This was his last action on earth, may he be remembered forever.

Alright just kidding.

Now this brew definitely has an aroma that sucks you right in, just not literally. The smell encompasses you entirely, surround your soul with warmth and happiness. I would say she smells very enticing for a so called “crusher”, though the aroma crushes your nostrils with flavor. The first scent you notice is most assuredly coffee and chocolate, and man is it STRONG. There’s almost an overtone of caramel and alcohol, it’s a very boozy-sweet aroma, and that’s my favorite smell on any woman! It smells like comfort beer to me, a nice warming mug for  a cold winters night here in Southern Florida. Nothing like a fine strong ale to warm me from these 80° nights.  Well the first step to getting warm is to actually drink, so onward!

Amazingly balanced…wow I’m blown away. There’s a reason this beer won the Great American Beer Fest gold medal twice, and it’s because it tastes freaking perfect. What truly amazes me is the lack of an overpowering aftertaste that is common in oh-so-many heavy beers. Drink an Old Rasputin and your gonna taste that one for a while afterwards. This baby’s finish is so balanced it’s barely noticable until you take another sip, and then it springs back to life with a burst of wonderful flavor. Let’s take this one step by step, she certainly deserves it:

First you get hit with a healthy dose of chocolately, malty, coffee goodness, all mixed together in wonderful balance. The key to this finely balanced circus act is Miss Chocolate. You see, she’s not some wispy Mz. Milk Choclate, oh no, shes a strong powerful Miss Dark Chocolate, taking supreme confidence in her lack of sweetness. And when she tangos with Mr. Coffee (happy coincidence I swear! no lawsuits please), they dance a divine dance on a stage of roasted malts. And moments before this all becomes too much for the audience, they are doused in a healthy amount of alcohol. The couple continues their tango, all the while the alcohol falls like rain and they dance up until the very last drop hits the stage. As the precipitation finally fades the lovers take their bow and gracefully exit stage left, leaving a single rose in memory of the dance you just witnessed.

Are you still with me? Good, time to come down to planet earth and wrap up this review.

Overall, this brew is one of the best imperial stouts money can buy. I’ve rarely had a beer this heavy that was so finely balanced, I could make a metaphor about something there but I’ll spare you. It’s a fine example of a stout done right, it’s rich and smooth and powerful, like Will Smith used to be. If your into stouts, or really good beer, do yourself a favor and grab one of these sometime. You will be crushed!

Until next beer, this is Brian G. signing out!

Categories: Beer, Imperial Stout | Leave a comment

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